humor – Page 8 – Britt Skrabanek

Winter, you can kiss my pasty ass!

No, that’s not my bike – frozen, buried, forgotten.

My bike is named Silvie.

Silvie is currently nestled in the teeny hall of my apartment, buried beneath itchy coats, scarves and mittens, and tragically forgotten through the winter that won’t quit.

I’m sure some of you, especially my dad, are snickering right now. I’m the girl that never had seasons growing up and loves snow, right?

I no longer love snow…I loathe it.

I want vivacious colors to make my eyes sore, I want pungent grass to make my nose itch, I want zealous sunshine to make my skin drunk, no…intoxicated.

I don’t want white, I want green. I don’t want decay, I want bloom. I don’t want chapped, I want sweaty.

Winter, you can kiss my pasty ass!

So, anyways. This is Silvie and I when we were happy…

It was summer in the fine city of Milwaukee, the year I first moved here. Without batting an eye, I gleefully traded in my clunky car Booger for sleek and sexy Silvie.

That’s the Milwaukee Art Museum, gorgeously designed by the great Santiago Calatrava, cascading behind me.

Of course, strangled by Winter’s crone hands, the museum looks quite different now…

So, back to the frozen, buried, forgotten bike I mentioned before I went off on my cabin fever tangent.

This bike is stationed right outside my apartment. And strangely, it’s been sitting there since last summer.

I know this, because I like to park my bike there when I’m on the run. Unfortunately, my prime parking was always commandeered by this asshole bike with the lame basket.

Well, well, well…look at the asshole now. Actually, I feel kind of bad for the asshole.

Not only is he on his way to becoming a snowball, a career he certainly never intended to have, he has turned into a tourist attraction.

Now that he is one with the snow, people stop and take pictures of him every day, spotlighting his public abandonment and emasculating him even more than that frou-frou basket.

Although Silvie has been neglected for months, she knows I still love her, that I yearn to frolic with her on the city streets, narrowly escaping death through the treachery of downtown commuting.

She knows.

So, my question for all of you is…what the hell happened to the owner of that bike?! I’ve been mulling over many theories lately, but I’m interested in what you have to say.

Humor me…I’m bored as shit.

(Please pardon my unladylike language throughout this post. The Winter Blues have spoken.)

High Fashion, Suburban Swingers, Narcotics Detectives, and Gypsies

Haha…made you look! You’re probably thinking…what is that crazy Britt up to now?

But this fun bouquet of words is actually from a reader, a snippet from an outstanding review my little book, Everything’s Not Bigger, received last night.

If you’re interested in the randomness this title exudes, then you’ll probably want to scoop up a copy of Everything’s Not Bigger while it’s $1 off on Smashwords (ends February 28th.)

Also, my first book Beneath the Satin Gloves is a buck off as well. It’s kooky in a different way. Think WWII, spying lounge singer, sex and lies, and a little time travel element to keep you scratching your head.

And for you Valentine’s Day enthusiasts out there, I promise there are some mega romantic moments in each story that will make your heart go pitter-patter.

I’m totally interested in a buck off your books, Britt!

Well, cheers to that and click here for all the deets…

Here’s the full review from Amazon…

“What do Dallas high fashion retail salespeople, basset hounds, suburban swingers, Czech cuisine, narcotics detectives, Romani (Gypsies), gay trust fund debauchees, and witness protection all have in common? Answer: Jaye Davis.  

So move over Sophie Kinsella and Tom Robbins and make room for one of the most thoroughly modern female protagonists ever created. And, as a delightful bonus, find that all of Britt Skrabanek’s other characters in this novel are not bigger than life; they each ring true with the feel of a fact-is-stranger-than-fiction cast of players. No, these are not your typical quirky oddballs populating the television sitcoms but characters whose lives intersect so effortlessly with Jaye Davis. I ask myself whether Everything’s Not Bigger is a roman à clef or most definitely the very imaginative product of a keen observer of human nature. This novel is suspenseful, romantic, peppered with history, and salted with satirical social commentary.  

As with Britt Skrabanek’s first novel, Beneath The Satin Gloves, this offering is sprinkled with clever and tender comic relief. Two particular scenes, one involving a grumpy Czech grandmother (not Jaye’s), and the other depicting her platonic non-date stroll over a landmark Prague bridge, are sure to entertain. However, don’t be misled; this is a serious story about conflicting contemporary values. How do we overcome bad decisions, and do we have the determination to shape the life we really want to live.“

Beggars and Champagne

Once upon a time, there was a magical land far, far away named Milwaukee. It was a land filled with beggars and champagne…

…at least in my eyes, the starry eyes of a non-native.

Before I moved here I led a previous life in Dallas, and a previous-previous life in SoCal. At a young age, Wayne’s World taught me that Milwaukee was Algonquin for “The Good Land”.

Hey, I thought it must be an alright place if Alice Cooper and the Native Americans said so.

Other than that, people told me it was a land of cheese and beer. Seriously, this is all I once knew.

When I first met my Milwaukeean paramour in Dallas, we interrogated each other – as we all do during the dating phase – and naturally we confessed our first dreadful jobs.

Quite casually, he said, “I used to be a beggar.”

Red flag!

“A beggar?” I asked, batting my eyelashes and trying my darnedest to stay open-minded, because man oh man was I smitten!

“You know…at the grocery store.”

Light bulb.

“Oh, a BAGger! You bagged groceries.”

Phew!

“That’s what I said.”

No you didn’t.

It turns out the letter “a” is pronounced a little differently in the Midwest.

We had a good laugh over that…obviously. And, me and my far-from-bumming beau got hitched and moved to Milwaukee, the good land.

*Read the rest of the story over at OnMilwaukee.com (I was invited to write a “Readers Blog” at On Milwaukee, so it would be awesome if you guys could stop by their place…I promise there are more laughs with this kooky tale.)

Grinnin’ Through the Grind: Keep it Classy

Hey, I’m back with this mini series…Grinnin’ Through the Grind (If you missed the first segment: Keep it Healthy)

Onwards to Part Deux!

We all work our tushes off most of our lives. Whether we’re working our dream job or our day job, we are connected by a daily duty which often includes…DUN DUN DUN…office drama.

Keeping it classy at work would seem like a no-brainer, something we all do naturally, right?

Wrong.

Maybe it’s mob mentality – I’m not entirely sure – but the workplace can be a downright cesspool of negativity.

A snide remark here, a roll of the eyes there…hey look, it’s high school all over again! I think we can all agree that once was traumatic aplenty.

I’ve worked a lot of different jobs and snarkiness, although never fully disclosed in the employee handbook, seems to be a consistent occupational hazard.

So, it’s there – every day, every dusty corner of your drab office. We have to put on our big boy and girl pants, and deal.

It doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice ourselves, joining into the venomous banter just because everyone else is doing it. If so-and-so jumped off the ninth floor, would you join them? You catch my drift.

Here are a few ways to keep it classy around the office…

If you don’t have anything nice to say…zip the lip. Let’s be honest, we’ve all gossiped at one point or another. It takes work to stay out of that mindless trap. Think about a time you said something uncool about someone. Bet you didn’t feel too cool afterwards, did you?

Classy Solution: If you don’t get along with another person for this or that, try a ridiculously positive approach. Give them a little smile and kill them with kindness. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when your crap relationship experiences a chummy revelation, and you won’t be so eager to talk smack when the tension is nonexistent.

If they don’t have anything nice to say…shut it down. News flash, back stabbers! Lowering your voices or even whispering does not disguise your poisonous convo. And, cubicles are not made of soundproof steel.

Classy Solution: Throw on some headphones to block out the nasty. If you want to put an end to the crap talk, you don’t have to blatantly call them out on it like a narc. Just interrupt them with a work question and get everybody back on task.

If you’re frustrated about something…mind the noises. OK, this is a sneaky one that a lot of us do without realizing. The insanely loud, exaggerated sigh which screams “Why me?” or “This sucks!” is bad energy which should be channeled elsewhere.

Classy Solution: Close your eyes and turn your attention inward, practicing deep breathing while you slowly count to ten. If you still feel iffy, keep on counting. Or take a different type of breather, and go for a little stroll.

A definitive result of spreading negativity is the prominence of self-induced misery. Soon enough you won’t be grinnin’ through the grind, you’ll be grunting through it.

How do YOU keep it classy on the job?

*Next week will be the final part in this series. Grinnin’ Through the Grind: Keep it Movin‘ will be a special vlog from yours truly. Stay tuned…

All Aboard the E-Book Train

I don’t know if it’s my hippie or my old-fashioned tendencies, but I’m always one of the last ones to jump aboard the newest technology train.

Back in high school, it was pagers. Early college years, it was cell phones.

Honestly if it weren’t for my technologically savvy hubby, today I would be carrying the first basic cell phone – boring, cracked, and crusty – or possibly no cell phone at all.

I have an announcement…

I am now the proud owner of my very first Kindle, a super fancy Kindle Fire to be exact (thanks, mom!).

Sure, there are a few chew marks on the leather case of this gently used gift – no I didn’t get hungry, my mom’s basset hound did – but that just gives it the lovely character of a print book, one that gets tattered and stained.

You might be thinking: “Britt, you’re just now getting a Kindle? Don’t you write e-books?”

Damn skippy, I do! So it is time to get over my stubborn ways, my lifelong infatuation with paper books, and open up to the vast plains of e-books.

More than anything, I am excited to support other indie authors like myself. The first two e-books on my reading list are from two fellow authors I look up to very much…

Dianne Gray

and

T.W. Dittmer

These two are incredible writers, masters of witty sustenance. I’m looking forward to curling up with each of their books this winter. P.S….Mr. Dittmer’s book is currently FREE via Smashwords until Christmas (just use coupon number RE38Y).

And have no fear, my print book enthusiasts! I will never say farewell to print books as they are unmatched in the realm of nostalgic tangibility.

Adding this handy dandy e-books tool will take my unrequited love for reading that much further, granting access to the innovation of the indie variety, those writing their little hearts out and sharing their brave words.

A lovely blogger pal, Zen Scribbles, recently wrote a great post on the creature comforts of e-readers. Be sure to check out “Come to the dark side. We have an internal light source”.

At the end of the day I see this new route of books as an ideal relationship, marrying the known and the unknown, enticing more of us to read and write.

Despite what some might say, this technological convenience is not destroying what we know and love. It’s adding unapologetic creativity to the reading menu and igniting the urge to once again value the resplendence of a good old story.

P.S. I’m making myself take a little blogging vacay next week for the holidays. So, I will be back with a post in a couple of weeks. I hope you all have tremendously awesome holidays and I’ll see you next year!