Winter, you can kiss my pasty ass!

bike in the snow

No, that’s not my bike – frozen, buried, forgotten.

My bike is named Silvie.

Silvie is currently nestled in the teeny hall of my apartment, buried beneath itchy coats, scarves and mittens, and tragically forgotten through the winter that won’t quit.

I’m sure some of you, especially my dad, are snickering right now. I’m the girl that never had seasons growing up and loves snow, right?

I no longer love snow…I loathe it.

I want vivacious colors to make my eyes sore, I want pungent grass to make my nose itch, I want zealous sunshine to make my skin drunk, no…intoxicated.

I don’t want white, I want green. I don’t want decay, I want bloom. I don’t want chapped, I want sweaty.

Winter, you can kiss my pasty ass!

So, anyways. This is Silvie and I when we were happy…

milwaukee art museum

It was summer in the fine city of Milwaukee, the year I first moved here. Without batting an eye, I gleefully traded in my clunky car Booger for sleek and sexy Silvie.

That’s the Milwaukee Art Museum, gorgeously designed by the great Santiago Calatrava, cascading behind me.

Of course, strangled by Winter’s crone hands, the museum looks quite different now…

milwaukee art museum in winter

So, back to the frozen, buried, forgotten bike I mentioned before I went off on my cabin fever tangent.

This bike is stationed right outside my apartment. And strangely, it’s been sitting there since last summer.

I know this, because I like to park my bike there when I’m on the run. Unfortunately, my prime parking was always commandeered by this asshole bike with the lame basket.

Well, well, well…look at the asshole now. Actually, I feel kind of bad for the asshole.

Not only is he on his way to becoming a snowball, a career he certainly never intended to have, he has turned into a tourist attraction.

Now that he is one with the snow, people stop and take pictures of him every day, spotlighting his public abandonment and emasculating him even more than that frou-frou basket.

Although Silvie has been neglected for months, she knows I still love her, that I yearn to frolic with her on the city streets, narrowly escaping death through the treachery of downtown commuting.

She knows.

So, my question for all of you is…what the hell happened to the owner of that bike?! I’ve been mulling over many theories lately, but I’m interested in what you have to say.

Humor me…I’m bored as shit.

(Please pardon my unladylike language throughout this post. The Winter Blues have spoken.)

28 thoughts on “Winter, you can kiss my pasty ass!

  1. Letizia says:

    That poor Schwinn is obviously courting your sweet Sylvie, Britt! He is braving the snow, cold, and rain waiting for the day when it’s warm enough that Sylvie will come rolling by again and perhaps give him a wink or a ring of a bell. He had hoped that the wicker basket would impress her but now that you called it ‘frou-frou’ he’s reconsidering his choice of apparel…

    • Britt Skrabanek says:

      LOL!!! Letizia, your story is amazing! OK, now I feel super bad for him.

      Sylvie’s been playing hard to get for so long. He’s obviously the gallant type, so that basket was probably meant to hold things for Sylvie as she has no frou-frou basket of her own.

      Perhaps Sylvie will accidentally trip and fall into his arms on her first outing – the clever minx!

      • Letizia says:

        Yes, he thought he could carry her things in the basket, you are so right 🙂 Perhaps Sylvie has been gazing down at him from the window when you’re at work. You’ll have to check for tire tracks in your hallway for clues!

        Budding-Bicycle romance aside, I hope these last few days/weeks of Winter go by quickly. I gather you are in the midst of a snow storm now. Here on the East Coast, we are to get the remnants of it in the next few days (and just when I was eyeing my own bicycle… )

  2. gabrielablandy says:

    I’m intrigued to know if the basket is filled with snow…
    I hear your frustration – we had snow here for a few days and I couldn’t get out on my bike, and I was tearing my hair out. Today is one of the first days of spring and I went for a long ride. The birds were so loud I could hear them above the traffic. As for that bike – I think it’s being taught a lesson by its over disciplinary owner. Or perhaps it’s been replaced…snivel.

    • Britt Skrabanek says:

      I just looked out my window…the basket is totally filled with snow!

      I am quite jealous of your ride. Silvie is getting a tune-up right now so she’ll be all ready to go when the time comes. I know that time is soon because birds have been chirping like crazy.

      Nice input on the owner. My daycare teacher used to make me and my friend stand next to poles outside when we were in trouble. Being outside in the California sun was never really a punishment though. : )

  3. Tom Gething says:

    Ah, the joys of Milwaukee winters! I remember them well. I remember my Milwaukee Sentinel paper route, walking the icy streets at 5:30 in the morning, wind chill -40.

  4. Claire Cappetta says:

    Oh girl, I hear ya!!! This winter hasn’t been as some in the past… For NY that is, but everyone’s bitching about the cold and wind this year. Normally we’d be saying “Hey not a bad winter for this place!” But I think we were well over Winter after Sandy left… And it was still only Autumn ;-D

  5. diannegray says:

    LOL – you do sound pissed off! Poor Silvie sitting doing nothing all this time. That basket bike is mightily good looking, maybe it’s waiting for summer so he can go riding with Silvie 😀 (even though it looks like a girl bike) 😉

    • Britt Skrabanek says:

      LOL! It’s all in good fun.

      Silvie is more stir crazy than I am, and happily in the shop right now getting some R&R. The basket bike does look pretty girly, but it could be a metro guy. We have a lot of those on the East Side. : )

  6. Roy McCarthy says:

    Even here in the temperate Channel Islands the temperatures have stayed too low too long. Just a few degrees improvement this week have made all the difference and running shorts don’t seem quite so stupid 🙂

  7. 4amWriter says:

    Haha! You were speaking my damn language, Britt! Of course in New Hampshire I’m feeling the pain of winter like you are. Hubs is in Seattle for 5 months and my snowblower is broken.

    We just got pounded with 8 inches of snow the other day which I had to s-h-o-v-e-l !!! My only saving grace was that it was a Sunday, so I had nowhere to go and I basically went out every 2 hours to stay on top of it and prevent the snowplow from boxing me into my own driveway.

    Anywho–the owner of that bike is dead. That’s my guess. 🙂

    • Britt Skrabanek says:

      Oh, man! There are two rules I live by in wintry Wisconsin – not having a car and living an apartment. It makes snowball life a heck of a lot easier!

      I never have to shovel, and I’m never trapped.

      Whoa, the owner is dead?! That’s been in the back of my mind, too. I keep hoping for a happy ending though! : )

  8. Browsing the Atlas says:

    I love this post. I can only imagine that his owner found him frozen to the ground and didn’t have time to let him thaw before he ran off to take a Caribbean cruise. He’s stuck in St. Maarten, perhaps suffering more than his bike.

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