My heart warmed when I saw them from a distance. I was on my weekly run through the city when I spotted the couple holding each other by a stoplight at a busy intersection. They were young and in love—it was only them and nothing else existed.
As I approached them, the gap closing quickly between us as I ran, the warmth slipped away. My eyes had played tricks on me. Despite the sunshine beating against my sweaty skin, I shivered. They weren’t holding each other. They were looking at their phones.
From a distance, the beautiful illusion seemed so real. The couple was positioned in such a way that they could have been wrapped in each other’s arms. He faced her and she faced him. But instead of looking into each other’s eyes, or her head resting against his chest, they were devoted to the powerful screens they held tenderly in their hands.
I ran past them, and I could feel the emptiness that shouldn’t have been there. Tears flooded my eyes and I picked up my pace to pound the image away. But, it wouldn’t go away.
“The typical American checks his or her smartphone once every six-and-a-half minutes, or roughly 150 times each day.” – Baylor University Research
That was when I realized how incredibly profound that moment was. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a couple showing affection—it was happening less and less every year…hell, every day.
When I first moved to Portland, it reminded me of the first time I visited Paris way back in 2004—long before smartphones had taken over. For whatever reason, there are many couples here.
As a writer, sometimes I wonder if I’m being observant or theatric with these realizations in life, but I had several single friends confirm this to be true. They struggled to find a mate, because so many were already taken.
I grew accustomed to couples kissing and hugging each other in public. Springtime was especially ridiculous, with the constant ass-grabbing and ear-nibbling. I used to get annoyed with couples hiking too slowly in front of me while I was trying to workout, because they were so wrapped up in each other.
Now I don’t see it at all. I see affection for our phones instead of each other.
Some of you may remember my obsession with the bench at Pittock Mansion, which I called the Lovers Bench, and wrote several posts about two years ago. The bench made such an impact on me that it even weaseled its way into the dystopian novel I’ll be finishing very soon.
For those who aren’t familiar, there is a bench with professions of love carved into the wood at one of Portland’s most gorgeous city viewpoints. The first Lovers Bench was removed and I contacted Portland Parks & Rec to get to the bottom of it. (Yes, I will get this batshit crazy over something I care about…even when it’s rotting, vandalized wood.)
The Lovers Bench was in bad shape and they replaced the boards, much to my dismay. I was upset that the carvings were gone forever, but soon more carvings began to appear on the new bench.
Sadly, they have appeared much slower than before. Every time I visit the bench I look for them, and there aren’t very many.
I took a shot of this couple back in 2015 when I was completely obsessed with Lovers Bench, which they are sitting on here. What would they be doing now if they were sitting on that bench? Would they hold each other while enjoying the view? I’m afraid they wouldn’t, and they would stare at their phones.
What about the couple I passed on my run? Two years ago, they might have held each other—or at least looked at each other while talking.
What about this older couple I captured in Milwaukee in 2012?
Or, these two at a San Diego beach that same year?
What about these newlyweds in Rome last summer?
This dancing couple on Holbox Island in Mexico a few months ago?
What about us?
It makes me sad, but it also makes me aware of what I’m doing when I’m around my husband and other people.
We can all make a better effort to use our phones responsibly. There are countless articles out there with tips on how to be more present by putting our phones away. You can work with your partner, like Mr. H and I do, and commit to some ground rules—like no phones while eating, on Sundays, whatever.
We have the power to connect with others like we used to, but it takes awareness that so many of us have lost inside our screened worlds. You know our society is facing an epidemic when a kitschy term comes along.
“70% said that phubbing hurt their ability to interact with their romantic partners.” – Baylor University Research
Phubbing combines “phone” and “snubbing” to describe the social phenomenon so many of us know intimately today—when a conversation or moment is interrupted because someone chooses to pay attention to their phone instead of the life that’s happening in front of them.
Nothing is as important as each other. I think we humans all know this, even still. But we’re losing sight of it so quickly. There is no doubt that the technological wonders we hold in our hands—these smart devices that are supposed to connect us—have become the barriers that now separate us.
There is a time and a place for using technology to our advantage. I’ve certainly connected with many incredible people I would have never met otherwise, and I’ve stayed in touch with people I rarely get to see.
I’ve spent plenty of hours in the screened vortex to know that real experiences are unbeatable. You won’t miss out if you ignore your phone from time to time. But if you ignore the life and people right in front of you, you will miss out.
Britt Skrabanek 
It’s a conundrum.
Indeed, Tim! Up to us to be responsible with all of this available technology, for sure!
And it’s not just lovers; it’s parents ignoring their children/babies, and children ignoring their parents.:(
Totally agree, Gallivanta! I didn’t want to speak to the parenting side—not being a parent myself. Always careful of that!
Ah, yes. 🙂
I see this all the time with parents and children (parents not attuned to their children, who crave the parent’s attention, because they’re so busy with their phones), but I hadn’t thought about it for couples. Very sad all the way around. Important post. 😊
Agree, Carrie! I was just telling Gallivanta that I steered away from discussing that observation since I don’t have kids myself. I imagine it’s VERY challenging for families today with all of these distractions. Things were definitely easier when I was a kid!
Great post. So much sad truth to this.
Thanks, Tammy! It was tough to write, but I couldn’t help it after seeing that couple on my run. Good reminder for me…and hopefully for all of us.
The phone obsession only sometimes bothers me; it depends on how it’s being used. I take public transportation every day for my commute. I’m on the train for about 15 minutes. And I try not to use my phone at that time. But I see many of my fellow passengers absolutely glued to them. A good peek around reveals that about half are scrolling through some kind of feed. But the other half is usually reading a newspaper or ebook and I think that’s ok. Because then the phone isn’t a connection outlet, but rather just a convenient tool.
Absolutely agree, Lunar! An older gentleman yelled at me to look up from my phone in public one day, but I was looking at my Google maps to figure out where I was going in an unfamiliar neighborhood. I let him have his rant, because I know where he’s coming from. But…we certainly use our phones for many purposes.
I commute on a train as well, and notice similar behavior. I listen to music and work on my laptop, so I am VERY plugged in during that time. But, it’s focus time for me before I get to the office. To each their own, right?
As a teacher I deal with phones all the time. When I first started teaching fifteen years ago there were no cell phones. It’s a huge problem now. Young people grow up not knowing how to communicate face to face. Sad.
Oh, I can only imagine! Pagers were a thing when I was in high school and they were banned from school. Didn’t stop any of us from screwing around with our pagers anyway! There was only so much you could do with pagers though. 😉
Soooo true and important! People seemed obsessed with their phone instead of the world around them. I guess we have to make the difference within our own families, and then hope it spreads from there.
So true! It’s getting really bad, and I’m afraid it’s becoming the norm. Definitely up to all of us to have some self-control and awareness.
It’s so true and so sad Britt – sadly, text messages have probably taken the place of carving names into lover’s benches.
I think you’re right, Andrea! Not everybody thinks vandalizing park benches is romantic, I’m sure. But, I think it is—and it beats the heck out of a text.
Yes, no phones at the table. No phones many times, actually.
I am one of those people who thinks it extremely rude to stop and look every time a phone makes a noise. The number of people who do it is maddening. I often walk away.
No phones at the table is a staple. I love that you walk away if someone starts using their phone in front of you. I just stop talking and stare at their phone. If I’m at work, I start working again. Once they apologize, we resume the conversation. 😉
Excellent post, Britt! As someone who still owns a flip phone, I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s sad to see families dining in restaurants “together” yet everyone has their faces buried in their phone.
Thanks, Jill! Ugh, I know. Why even go out to eat and spend the money if nobody is going to look at each other? So terrible!
Well said, Britt. I remember seeing a cartoon picture when I was younger of a man sitting alone on his bed watching the sunrise on TV and the sun was rising outside his window. Now we see life through our phones – which is even sadder.
Oh, Dianne! I hear ya! Everything is right in front of us now, and it won’t be forever. We need to look up or we’ll miss it!
So true.
Getting off right now and going to enjoy my friends!
Thanks again for reminding us of what’s important. You have the eye to catch the little things to make us think…
Xoxoxo
Oh, good! These phones are certainly powerful and useful to an extent, but we have to be mindful. xo