Something interesting happens on Thursday nights. I’m usually wiped out from the workweek, ready for the weekend.
But the self-doubt never fails. I ask myself…how in the hell will I be me again?
You know what I’m talking about, right?
That little bit of sacred time when you get to do whatever you want. Whatever that may be.
No deadlines. No meetings. No schedules.
And, cue panic.
The panic to live. To try to get everything done in a couple of days—the laundry, the grocery store, the exercise, the relaxing, the creativity, the lovemaking.
Thursday nights always happen the same way for me. I’m tired and moody, but after a couple of necessary beers and some laughs, I unlock myself. I remember what it’s like to be me again.
We never talk about Thursdays. We talk about Monday blues and Friday fun.
I don’t know why, but on Thursdays, a couple of hours before I go to bed, I become me again. Thinking about things that mean something, looking at my husband like I haven’t seen him in ages, realizing how damn beautiful he is.
A couple of months ago I started a new job and I remember thinking on a Thursday night—how am I going to keep up with it all? My marriage, my cats, my apartment, my family, my friends, my Yoga, my running, my blog, my novels, my “me”.
That night I wrote the opening scene to my next novel. Crazy as that sounds, after three books and no fame, I’m going to write another.
Because I have to. Because I can’t help myself. Because this is me.
This novel will be a departure from the historical fiction novelista many of you know me to be.
I’ve decided to go forward, just a little, to a time just beyond now when we haven’t learned from the mistakes of history, when we’ve become a world where the people in charge (the government, the dictator, the tyrant) forbid love.
Because love is the one thing THEY can’t control. And the funny thing is, if we all just loved more…the world could be so much better, perhaps peaceful even.
Hell, wouldn’t that be something?
The working title for my next novel is Virasana. It’s a Sanskrit word for one of the few Yoga poses I just cannot do, but an amazing one nonetheless.
For those who practice Yoga, you’ll smile at my choice. The English translation is pretty awesome.
The main character is a reluctant heroine with the power to command nature at her will—something she doesn’t understand, something she learns is her greatest power.
In the opening scene the main character is on the edge of a cliff, alone in a familiar place where her and her man used to be together, side by side. Everything is fragrant and green, the newness that comes with spring.
I can’t make any promises on a release timeframe, because I have very little time to write.
I haven’t touched this since I first wrote it that Thursday night, but I’ve looked at it many times and knew that it was right. I don’t have time to continue with it right now, but I hope to soon.
For some reason this particular Thursday night I decided it was time to share it.
This is what I have so far…
I got so used to you sitting beside me.
It was all a routine…like breakfast.
But you were better than breakfast. You nourished me like nothing else.
For a good while there—um—I guess I felt full. Maybe even stuffed.
Can you believe that?
Stuffed on love, on you.
Well, not anymore.
I’m always hungry for you.
Actually, I’m starving.
But, hey. You’re not here anymore, are you?
Say something, release me.
You’ve got nothing?
Alright, fine. So, where was I?
Oh, yeah. You’re not here anymore, are you?
The grass and the dandelions have reclaimed your space. My tears have watered them, helped them grow. My lips have made them tender and alive.
How in the hell did I do that? I’m so dead.
That would be too easy.
Under the earth where nobody can see me.
I’m dried out, alone.
Above the earth where everyone can see me. Everyone.
That’s more like it. That’s hard.
Hey—um—I have a question for you.
Yeah, you. You’re the only one I know that can answer it, so listen up.
What’s this excuse for a world without you by my side?
Say something, release me.